Not Completely Unexpected

A few months ago, I talked a little bit about my bad relationship with my father, and how he wasn't going to let me have my wedding pictures. Talking about it was really therapeutic to me, and I actually started to get over the whole situation. That is, until a few months ago when I finally told Adam's family what was going on. And all of a sudden it was all I could think about. Once again I found myself erroneously questioning what I did wrong and feeling really sorry for myself. I hated that he still had the ability to make me feel bad. I decided I couldn't ever get over the situation if I didn't at least try one more time to get my photos.

So one night I sent him an email. I told him how I had tried and tried to let it go, but I just couldn't. I reminded him about how he had apologized for ever hurting me at the wedding, and I didn't understand why he wanted to continue to do so. Blah, Blah, Blah. It was basically a really watered down version of what I wanted to say, because I still wanted my pictures. My father came back and told me he had simply been procrastinating, and put in a few passive aggressive barbs as expected. Telling me he only had 27 cents in the bank, a reminder that he is still paying back court ordered child support. Whatever. I don't really believe the procrastination stick, he wanted me to beg, he always wants me to beg. He told me he would send the pictures and I kind of sort of believed him.

The next day he sent me confirmation that he had sent the pictures. I was over the moon happy. I couldn't believe it had worked, and the man who had said he had no money to his name, had sent them priority! I was telling everyone, I had Adam send his family an email to let them know. On Friday I picked up the package at the post office. It was a rather big package, and when I opened it up I found one picture.I felt like a dagger had ripped through my heart. Let it go I said, Don't play into this cat and mouse game I said. He won't ever change. I know this.

So I let it go, but a few days later he emailed me, asking if I gotten the picture. And I said I had, it was lovely, but was he still sending the other pictures? No response. And these last few weeks I have been struggling with so many things. Its like everything has all hit my once. The abandonment from my family. My dad still not changing. Accepting that my father will never love me as I do him, if he loves me at all. Knowing that I put something so important to me (the photos) in some one's hands that I should have never trusted in the first place. Feeling stupid, feeling foolish, feeling like I was never good enough for them (even though I understand they were never good enough for me).

I can honestly say this particular situation has been one of the hardest things I've had deal with. Harder than the childhood abuse,harder than any break-up, harder than the awful relationship with my stepfather, harder than the depressed days on my teens,and a million times harder than coping with my brother's drug addiction. And I keep telling everyone that its OK, that it doesn't matter, that I'm used to it. But I don't think you ever get used to being treating that way. But maybe it had to happen, for me to final give up, and let go. I can't have that toxicity in my life any longer.

Sometimes I convince myself that I will never get past this hurt. But then I remember those dark, dark days in high school. Days when I was certain I would never ever see a bright day again. And I can't tell you the date when I stopped being depressed. Its just every day started to suck less and less, until it didn't suck at all. So that's what I have to believe now, every day is going to suck less, and one day it wont suck at all.

Courtesy of Adam

Random Thoughts of the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my Neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

SuperGoddess's Playlist Volume 4: Holiday Fun

It has been a really long time since I posted a play list, and the truth is I'm super busy this week, and am really struggling to keep up with NaPoBloMo. So I thought with Christmas right around the corner, it would be fun to share some of my favorite Christmas Carols. And believe me I love Christmas Carols.

I love almost every version of Baby It's Cold Outside. But I have always loved Zooey Deschannel's folksy, earthy voice, so this is probably my favorite version of the song. Christmas Wrappings by The Waitresses is a really fun, off beat Christmas Carol. I picked this song for this playlist because of the lyrics, "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong 'Cause it is my favorite holiday, But all this year's been a busy blur, Don't think I have the energy,To add to my already mad rush, Just 'cause it's 'tis the season." Is anybody else feeling that way this year?

All Alone for Christmas is a song that is on the Home Alone Christmas Soundtrack that I own. It has always been my favorite song on the soundtrack, because of the lyrics and upbeat tempo. And really nobody ought to be alone on Christmas. Also, I think any Christmas playlist would be incomplete if it didn't include All I Want for Christmas is You from that adorable girl from the movie Love Actually. When I was a child I was just as obsessive as I am now, and I used to drive my mother nuts asking her to replay Come on and Ring Those Bells over and over again. So listening to this song, always makes me really nostalgic about my childhood Christmases.

My all time-favorite Christmas Carol hands down is Carol of the Bells. I love the lyrics, I love how easily they flow. And no one does that song better than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. A few years ago my grandmother told me that when she was in her 20's, she had moved to Chicago. So one Christmas she saved up all her money to go home , and took the whole trip down sitting on the floor of a passenger train. She said that the song I'll be Home for Christmas came on, and touched her so much, she teared up. So everytime I hear this song, I think about my grandmother.

When my nieces were itty bitty, they thought Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer was the funniest song ever. So when I hear that song, I am right there with my nieces, when they were just a little bigger than babies giggling and giggling. They were so precious. I chose Santa Baby because I love that it is a "sexy" Christmas Carol. Finally, What Child is This? has always been my favorite Christian Christmas Carol. I love that is has the same melody of Greensleeves.

Wordless Wednesday-Guitar Hero

Adam rocking out at Dave & Busters on Guitar Hero in his baby sun hat, and me looking enthralled.