He is My Firecracker

(The beach a half hour before the show)

I spent almost every summer of my childhood in Texas with my father, his parents, and a million cousins. And even though things were always terrible with my father & even my grandfather sometimes, I loved those summers. I lived like an only child in St. Louis during the school year, but during the summer I was a country girl with a million playmates. Move over Hannah Montana-I'm the one who had the best of both worlds. My cousins and I made up games, swam, fished in the pond, caught fireflies, went to the movies, and ate watermelon fresh off the vine from the family garden.

But fourth of July was always the best part of the summer. All the family would come over, and we would have a huge cookout. There was always an unlimited supply of sparklers, black cats, chasers, spinning panda bears, and we even put on our own professional firework show complete with a grand finale. Us kids would always promise each other we were going to stay up all night, but could never quite make it. We usually fell asleep outside on the trampoline. I can honestly say those are my best childhood memories.

When I finally stood up to my father, and put a stop to a lot of the wrong things that my family was doing to me, the abuse and the inappropriate behavior, I did not see them for a long time. But after a few years I made several tries to forge ahead with a healthier, more adult relationship with them. I gave forgiveness because I needed to in order to move on with my life. I saw them here and there, but it was always uncomfortable and strained. They would often do things on purpose to hurt me, and they never could forgive me for what they saw as a family betrayal. I invited them all to my wedding shower & wedding, but nobody came but my father. It was very hurtful. I'm sure they told everyone that I only wanted gifts from them, which is something they have said about me before. But I really just wanted them there. I forgive them, but I probably won't reach out to the them again.

So I usually find myself a little sad around the fourth of the July. It brings up all those great memories, and it hurts thinking about how much I have lost. But luckily this Fourth of July was fun enough, that I was able to not concentrate on my past. Adam and I took a nice walk down to the beach. It was a mile and a half away, but we enjoyed talking on the walk. We got there an hour before the show, so we were able to run around and freeze our feet off in the Pacific Ocean. The fantastic firework show took place over Long Beach harbor and the beautiful Queen Mary. We cuddled on the beach long after everyone had left before walking home. I think it is possible to make the 4th my favorite holiday again.

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365 days ago (give or take):

It was called Fantasyland, and ironically it was located on Hwy. 69, just passed the exit to Eatonville (I'm not kidding, you just can't make this stuff up).

I really embarrass myself in front of a professor I had a die hard crush on. I love this story.

Back at Square One

The other night my school gave this to me to sign, and I found it really funny. I know they were trying to use some kind of cheesy tool for motivation, but it seemed very kindergarten. I have to wonder though-is this a legally binding contract? The worst part is that I'm getting a MFCT not a MSFT. I can't believe I wrote the wrong degree! Oh brother. As you might have guessed from this picture or from my tweets, the other night was my first night of grad school.

I was really nervous the day before my first class, which honestly isn't that much different than any other day for me. I left the house two hours before class started even though it was only a 15 minute drive. I was convinced this would be the one time that my GPS failed me. I would not get to my class on time, and this would make me ultimately flunk out of school. Adam would divorce me because I was a big fat loser, and I would become a hippy nomad, who never ever got to see an episode of The Real World again.

Because of my zealous over planning, I was naturally the first one there. So I got to watch everyone as they came in. I then started playing a little mind game, “Do they look smarter or dumber than me?" I don't usually play games like this, I rarely judge people in my everyday life. But when you are feeling like one big fuzzball of inadequacies, insecurities, and feelings that you may be about to derail your life, IT HELPS. Err it helps until person after person looks like they could be rocket scientists, and it makes you feel like you should give up on life right then. But finally someone walks in that you could possibly beat in a spelling bee, and for a brief moment everything is OK.

Of course most of my anxieties about class turned out to be silly, but isn't that the story of my life? I waste entire days worrying about everything that could go wrong, and none of that ever happens. And even though I'm relieved nothing bad happened, I kind of wish it had, so my crazy irrational side could finally turn to the sane side of me and holler, "I TOLD YOU SO."

My first class in some ways made me feel better about the next three years and in other ways worse. It is going to be a long, long road definitely, but it is something I feel that I can handle. "Anything worth having comes with trials worth withstanding..."

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365 days ago (give or take):

The best thing about being rich would have to be that you are no longer considered “weird.” When you are rich they just call you “eccentric.” So I could walk down Pacific Coast Highway with my underwear on my head, and no one would put me in a straight jacket.

I had a tag on my toe.

Not So Wordless Wednesday-Poor Sarah

A few weekends ago our friend Luther (who literally came by plane, train, and bus to get to our wedding, and also had to ride alone with Adam in the just married car with everyone honking for them LOL) stopped by with his little nephew Braylin. At first Braylin was terrified of our dog Sarah, and who could blame him? She is HUGE especially from the point of view of a toddler. He warmed up to her though, and soon was treating her like they were both in bumper cars. Braylin would take running dives into her (Yes we stopped it the best we could). Sarah, God bless her little heart, just kept looking at us like,” won’t you save me?" That is the expression you can sorta see on her face in this pic.

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365 days ago (give or take):

I will also be dancing around the guys like a gerbil on a sugar high screeching things like, "Don't Hit the Walls!" "You're Going to Trip!" "That’s not where it goes!" "Don't drop it." "I think it needs to be move two centimeters to the right." "No, no let's try it the other way again!" And by the end of the day both of them will start to think that 25 years to life spent in prison might not be so bad if it would get them just one moment of peace and quiet.

Like the Jeffersons I moved on up.

He's Here!

William Cade Ford a.k.a Caden
5lbs. 14 oz. (but still healthy)

19 inches

1:33 p.m. CST

June 22nd, 2009

They had decided to induce my sister-in-law a week early for reasons I don't really know. I knew they were going to induce her at 6 a.m. CST this morning. I was still awake when it began, and I really considered not going to bed. But I knew I couldn't be there for the birth, and it would be hours before he was born. So I went to bed, and when I woke up I had tons of text messages and a new nephew. My youngest niece Kayla had literally given me a play by play, "Her water broke!" "She is 7 cm dilated!" and finally I got this one.

I wanted a picture of the text, because really that is the best text message ever. I was really young when my nieces were born, so this is the first birth that I can vividly remember. I'm so blessed. I'm kind of bummed though, I can't see him until at least Thanksgiving

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365 days ago (give or take):

Adam didn't want to jump up and hurt the computer. So he is bellowing loudly at me, "Get up and turn it down, get up and turn it down!" But of course I’m cowering under the covers and ignoring him.

Adam saves me from another disaster.